Well, not "it", specifically. I mean, god, am I blushing? UGH.
Today was a nice day for January standards. The thermostat rose above 50 degrees, the sun was shining, I had the day off and everyone was feeling lots of hopeful, fond, reflective MLK vibes.
So I naturally laid on the floor, in the bed, on the couch, on the futon and in the armchair from about 8:30am to 1:30pm reading 50 Shades of Grey. The curious, wicked part of me can't believe I waited this long to read the book and the petulant, childish part of me who doesn't wanna do anything everyone else is doing can't believe I finally gave in to read the damn thing at all.
That's not completely true. Alicia has been dying - DYING - to see this movie since she heard it was coming out and it's been our Galentine's Day plan for months now. I can remember when she first started reading them, actually - it was when we first started hanging out (um, I know how this sounds) and she was reading them on her iPad at Madeline Ruth. Naughty. So, I had to read the book before I saw the movie. You just gotta.
Uh, also I guess....spoilers ahead? So if you haven't read it yet and are concerned about major plot points? (the question mark there is intentional so please read the phrase "plot points" as though I'm asking a question) then don't continue reading.
FIRST of all, 50 Shades was about 10 shades paler than I thought it was going to be, explicitly speaking. Like, I was expecting some hardcore shit. And it had its moments I GUESS but she never even signed the contract! They FELL IN LOVE. She slept in his bed! Everyone is getting all bashful and coy about the bondage in this book and like, he puts a blindfold on her? Ok the spanking is a bit much.
This book has made me really FEEL the all caps to speak my TRUTH.
SECOND of all, this was quite literally one of the most poorly written books I've ever read in my entire life! If you were to make a drinking game out of the number of times someone's "breath hitched" or Ana bit her lower lip or Christian was MERCURIAL, you would end up in the HOSPITAL with alcohol poisoning! What kind of psycho uses the word mercurial more than once in a novel? Once someone succeeds at "beguiling" someone else ONCE, that's it. No more beguiling. It's too much beguiling! Ain't nobody got time for that much beguiling! See, you're getting uncomfortable reading that word here and that's not even the half of it.
I mean, GET A LOAD of THIS poetic start to a paragraph: "Saturday at the store is a nightmare. We are besieged by do-it-yourselfers wanting to spruce up their homes. Mr. and Mrs. Clayton and John and Patrick - the two other part-timers - and I are besieged by customers." Were you BESIEGED? You hadn't mentioned! Those are LITERALLY THE SAME SENTENCES. Where is this woman's editor?!?!? Did she just learn that word, besieged?
What is this movie going to be like? Mostly Ana talking to her "inner goddess" and her "subconscious" (which, by the way, isn't even a yin/yang, good vs evil pairing! Maybe a CONSCIENCE and a goddess). Then some of Ana biting her lip and Christian "casting a steely gaze" in her direction. Maybe with his "eyes hooded". Then they'll have sex, send some e-mails and fly around in things.
oh! And then there's Christian Grey himself! WHAT A TWERP. What kind of needy, jealous little child is he anyway? He's supposed to be this dominant, confident MAN and he follows her around everywhere and hardly works! PLAY THE GAME, GREY. Shouldn't he be way past JEALOUSY? Get out of here with that!
What an awful book. I read it in about 6 hours, thought about nothing else, talked about nothing else, watched the movie trailer 10 times, put the second and third books on hold at the library, held my breath, didn't want it to end, and yeah, I can't wait to read the others, Ok, and I thought it was hot and sure, Christian seems irresistable...oh...wait....